Do you ever stop to think about your subconscious mind? It's kind of the storeroom for your memories, experiences and beliefs. It houses things that never leave you, but are not on your mind every moment. Mine never ceases to amaze me. Every February 7th that I wake up, I remember it's my high school boyfriend's birthday. This year BL would have been 48. We graduated the same year, but because I was all of five months older, he always joked about dating an "older woman". He was my first love. He was my sparring partner (we loved to argue for the sport of it) and he was my friend. He was a jock. Ruggedly handsome. Tall, strong and pretty much invincible. I still remember his phone number and that smirk he'd give me before he'd say something funny. I still have the 100 pennies he mailed to me after he lost a $1.00 bet. Sadly, likewise I wake up on July 29th each year and remember that that is the day he died. He was 23. He had had different girlfriends by then, but he'd still stay in touch. We had plans to get together a week after that. We joked that we should get back together. This time as grown-ups. He assured me I'd be his favorite ex-wife. On the front shelf of my BL memories in my storeroom I remember those two phone calls. The first from his cousin, telling me they were taking him to surgery. We assured each other that if anyone could survive this, it was BL. The next call came. I knew when the phone rang that he'd come up against something stronger than he was. I didn't know that existed. He was a big hearted softy, but he was a tough man.
Do you ever stop to think about coincidence? You know, the chance happening of something in a suprising and remarkable way. Well, BL has been on my mind because of the anniversary of his death. And oddly enough, today I stumbled upon a blog written by the former wife of a friend of his. It was written 3 years ago and is a tribute to BL's life. He was her friend. She did a beautiful job of remembering him, and through her words I could see and hear him, just as if I saw him yesterday. She is a cousin of my sister in laws and we were just talking about her recent remarriage and her happiness. That is coincidence. I think finding the blog was something more than coincidence. That was Bradley Layne.
So today, my BL storeroom in my subconscious mind is very much on my mind. I am remembering the day I returned to Schuyler to say goodbye. Gathering at Greg's house the night before to share stories and drink beer with all of our old friends. Hearing his sister assure me that he was in a better place, where he wouldn't have to worry about paying bills and where he could eat all the ice cream he wanted. Meeting Brenda in the parking lot of the Oak Ballroom the next day because she would not let me go to the funeral myself. Going to the bar after we left the cemetary and sharing lots of hugs and tears with our friends. And returning every now and then, always amazed that my subconscious GPS kicks in and I can walk staight to his grave. Sometimes I take him a beer. I left flowers once, just because I know he would have thought that was a sissy thing to do. I still carry his senior picture in my wallet, firmly believing that he has protected me all of these years that I traveled around the country working. A few years ago when my purse was stolen, my biggest concern was that a note from him and his picture were gone forever. I wrote to his mom and she happily sent me a replacement along with her thanks for remembering and loving him. It's hard to believe that this year it will be 25 years since he left us. I still talk to him. I'm sure that he and my mom still sit around a table and beers.
I am grateful for all of those happy and sad memories in my subconscious mind. I'm grateful that I found Sandy's blog and mostly I am grateful for my angel. BL is never going to bust through the PHouse door making funny comments about the place being too fussy or fancy and thanking me because at least I have a Budweiser for him. So, I will toast him for his 48th birthday. I will toast Chuck for making the time to stop by and catch up. And I will toast all the other friends that have happened by or will do so soon. Sharing this place with those here and not here is pretty cool. Thanks for supporting us and letting me share a little bit.
